Friday, September 25th, 2009
Yesterday, after my morning chemo treatment at HCMC (one that I might add went without me vomiting all over any of the nurses or technicians :-), I headed to Office Depot in downtown Minneapolis with a mission to make some black-n-white copies of a flyer Tim (and others) is sending out about the upcoming benefit (hosted by our dear friend and bar manager Pam) on my behalf at the Rail Station Bar and Grill in So. Mpls on Oct. 17th - and also with a mission to learn to cure my habit of long, run-on sentences.
OnlineHost: What happened Jim? Is your allotment of periods and other appropriate punctuations suffering from the current budget cuts?
I know...I know...OnlineHost - my 5th grade teacher (Mrs. Webber nee: Thompkins) would kill me if she saw some of the run-on doozies I have come up with over the years.
Well, back to Office Depot (literally).
Office Depot has a self-service photo copier which can be activated using a credit / debit card or a Office Depot copy card (which I just happen to have with about $ 5.00 value left on it).
So I step up to the copy machine, raise the lid and place my original on the glass plate where indicated (not too complicated so far). I swipe my copy card in the slot indicated and look at the display on the console (this is where it gets a bit tricky).
Allow me to digress at this point and mention that while I consider myself to be about "average" when it comes to being able to operate "modern technology" (I managed to figure out how to work my Etch-A-Sketch without even reading the owner's manual), but holy be-jeezers, this copy machine had like 20-some menus that you had to navigate through just to make a stinking set of copies. So I tried my best to make my way through the maze of commands and options which so reminded me of the levels of voice mail I jumped through to get to a live person at the Social Security Administration office last week. Finally, I thought I had entered all the appropriate commands and passwords to run off a "test copy" of my original and I hit the "copy" button.
However...what came out on the tray was far darker than I needed and so I wanted to abort the procedure so that I could adjust the color setting accordingly. But they just kept coming....and coming....and coming.
There were several buttons on the keypad with labels such as "stop", "cancel", "abort", "pause", "re-set", etc. and I hit each of them (several times, mind you) - but to no avail. The copier just kept spitting out more and more of the (much too dark) copies and would not recognize any of my command codes or button-punching. All this time, I see the value remaining on my copy card diminishing rapidly.
So I try to get the attention of P*&$y, the lady working behind the copy center. I have seen P*&$y there many times before and knew her on a first-name basis. Let's just say that P*&$y is a few light bulbs shy of a full load.
P*&$y comes around to the self-serve copier and I try to explain my situation. She waves her magic "employee" scan card over the display console which causes the machine to finally stop it's shenanigans. P*&$y then says to me, "you should've run off a test copy first before you began printing your project." Duh - why didn't I think of that?
I explained to her that had been my original intention but that the copier had other "intentions" for me. I then asked if I could speak with a manager when P*&$y informed me there was nothing she could do credit my copy card for the bad copies.
So P*&$y gets on her little microphone and calls for the manager. I see a gentleman approaching who seems to have an air of importance about him and as he gets close to us, ALL OF A SUDDEN WITHOUT WARNING, the barfing episode of which the techs and nurses at HCMC were spared during my chemo a short time ago decided to manifest itself in pure Poltergeist fashion. Having only a second or two warning, I did manage to step back from the copy machine about 2 paces before the contents of my stomach made its way to the sales floor.
This entire time, P*&$y was totally oblivious to the fact that I had just vomited all over her floor (I told you she was a couple of light bulbs shy of a full load), however the poor manager saw what was happening and expressed sincere concern for my well-being.
So I did the first thing that came to my mind...I put on my best Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy (from Star Trek: The Original Series) voice and said...
(author's note: for those of you who are unfamiliar with Dr. McCoy, he had an intense fear of the U.S.S. Enterprise transporters - always fearing that they were going to scramble his molecules all over the galaxy).
So in my best "Bones" Southern accent, I simply said (with an intensity of exasperation), "it's this darned modern transporter technology. It started to scramble my molecules to the far ends of the galaxy and when I attempted to re-patternize, the pattern buffers must've gotten my molecules mixed up with some foreign entity and I began to re-materialize as McPherson/fly - and that didna sit too well with my intestinal well-being"
I am not exactly sure what part of my diatribe caused this poor manager to double over in hysterics, but I swear I saw trears in his eyes. I am not sure if he was more concerned about my health crisis (causing the mess on his floor) or his fear of scrambling my molecules from one end of the galaxy to the other, but he just told P*&$y to get me whatever I needed as he walked away to recover his composure (still laughing hysterically).
Just fortunate for me that he was a Trekker (and had a good sense of humor).
I offered to clean up the mess that I had made but another employee (most likely an underpaid staff member who specialized in such tasks) was already en route.
Since the manager had instructed P*&$y to get me whatever I needed, I did mention that there was a laptop in aisle 7 that I had my eye on. She apparently didn't hear me - or perhaps the neurons simply weren't firing upstairs (afterall, I still don't think she was aware of the contribution I made to their linoleum), so I decided not to press my luck. She simply waved her magic key card over the console of the copier, pressed a couple of buttons and - viola - the machine gave birth to a healthy litter of corrected copies.
I thanked her for her assistance, apologized again for the mess and hastily made my exit from the store.
They should just be glad that I was able to step back from the copier / transporter before my "episode" or I would've most likely opened up a quantum singularity that would've sent the entire store into the Andromeda galaxy.
Infernal modern technology.
My bad.
Magical thoughts,
Jim